Throwback Post: You Win

Monday morning. 1:41am. I can’t sleep, and so I find myself writing another “letter” you will never get to read.

The nerve of you.

It’s been almost 3 days since we last spoke. I still can’t believe it myself. This has to be the stupidest thing ever. But I’m not going to call you. I’m 100% convinced that I’m not calling you. And right now, I’m not sure I’ll even pick up if you call.

The nerve of you.

We used to say we’d never go to sleep mad at each other. And for months we did just that. I hated how frequently it seemed we were arguing & fighting over nothing. It bothered me, but I’d just say we were “working out the kinks” and getting to know each other better, so it wouldn’t always be that way. I hated fighting, but at least we never went to sleep upset. We always managed to talk things out & be at peace with one another before falling asleep, no matter how late it was… Until the first time it happened. Neither of us was willing to put pride aside & call the other, and so we went to sleep & didn’t talk things out until the next day. After that it got easier to go to bed angry & not speaking to each other. And easier. And easier…

…and now it’s been 3 days.

The nerve of you.

As usual, you’re upset over nothing. As usual. I don’t understand it. I’m not the enemy. I’ve never been. And I’ve fought my hardest to show you that. But you’re always so… Hostile. So guarded. So ready for a fight. So ready to walk away.

The nerve of you.

Whatever scars you have… Whatever wounds are still healing… Whatever fears you have… Whatever doubts you still harbor… I get it. But I refuse to be treated like I’m responsible for them any longer. This… This is not how you love someone. This is not how you treat someone you love. And THIS is why I kept telling you I can have no faith in a “love” based on feelings.

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know certain things so I could act a certain way & get away with it. So my spirit wouldn’t be uneasy. Because it sucks more when you do the right thing & it still isn’t enough.

Yeah I think that’s it. Right now, I’m not enough for you. And that is literally the worst realization I could have come to. Because now it means I have to hide from you. I have to.

Because I’ve tried. I have tried. I haven’t given as much as I wanted, because that would only drive you further away. You. Wouldn’t. Even. Let. Me. Give. My. All. But I’ve given. I’ve been “naked.” But it’s not enough. It feels like it’s never going to be enough.

And it’s too early in this relationship for all this stress. There’s no peace anymore.

I laid my pride down for you, and it still wasn’t enough.

I bargained, I cajoled, I joked, I begged, and it still wasn’t enough.

So congratulations. You win.

I refuse to revert to being the asshole that comes so naturally to me. That’s not who I want to be. So I’m left with one option then. I’ll hide from you.

You win.

The nerve of you though…

Jan 26, 2015

Cry, Baby Cry

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  • It is possible to love someone, and watch them cry.
  • It is possible to love someone while being the reason they’re crying.
  • It is also possible to love someone & not do anything to stop them from crying.

By far, without a shadow of a doubt in my heart, thoseĀ are the hardest and yet the most important lessons I’ve ever had to learn.

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Number 5.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. To my credit, I’ve almost almost stopped writing, but I can’t stop myself from thinking, especially around important dates. I thought back to “a year ago” on my birthday, on Thanksgiving, on Christmas Day, on New Year’s Eve, and now, on your birthday. Continue reading

Love Never Fails

It’s 12:33am. I’m listening to Joromi & Gone For Good on repeat (I know, I know, na me dey do myself sometimes), and for some reason I’m thinking about 1 Cor 13. Probably the most famous part of the Bible, right after “for God so loved the world…”

“[love] always protects. Always trusts. Always hopes. Always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Love never fails.

If it failed, it wasn’t love.

Fear

I have never wanted a son.

As much as I love kids, for as long as I can remember, I’ve never dreamed about raising a mini-me. I’ve never wondered what it would be like to teach him to love God, his wife, and Chelsea FC (in that order). I’ve always wanted a small family, and I’ve always wanted daughters. Continue reading

Up, Up, and Away

Released Balloons

Two years ago, on my little cousin’s 8th birthday, he got the gift he had always wanted: a remote controlled helicopter. He also didn’t get to spend 30 minutes with it.

He had been hinting for weeks prior that he wanted that helicopter. He had tried being subtle, then he just graduated to full on shamelessly begging for it. I kept saying I wouldn’t get it, but I already knew I would. Sure enough, on his birthday, while he was at school, I went & got the helicopter so I could surprise him when he got home. Best. Cousin. Ever? Yup. Continue reading

Changing Times

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Simpler times
When we didn’t have to worry
Not about food, and not about money
Not about now, and certainly not about the future
A time of innocence, where we could find joy in anything
Simpler times, spent putting smiles on loved ones faces
When we could hope & dream with no restraints
When the only validation we wanted was mom or dad saying “good job”
Blissfully ignorant of life and all it’s harsh realities
When all was provided, when we were sheltered..

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Choices

Choice vs Consequence“Every choice has consequences.” We’re taught that from the moment we can barely grasp the meaning of that statement. As you get older, it’s easier to understand in real-life terms; if you study hard, you do well on a test. If you break your mom’s favorite china, you get punished. If you tell on your older siblings/relatives, they don’t want to have you around them. By the time we’re adults or at the very least, adolescents, this formula is firmly wired into our brains. Choice + Action = Reward (or Punishment). You do something good, you get rewarded for it. You do something bad, you get punished. But what happens when that’s not always the case? Continue reading

Papa Ajasco

National Arts Theatre

The picture of the National Arts Theatre in Lagos, Nigeria that inspired this post (thank you Viv)

Every major city has an iconic building/monument that just seems to epitomize all the city stands for; Paris has the Eiffel Tower, New York has The Twin Towers or The Statue of Liberty, London has Big Ben, and as for Lagos, my home… The closest we got was the National Arts Theatre.

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