as usual, I can’t sleep. if you know me, you know that’s not news. But that’s not the reason for this post. And no, this isn’t one of those “oh hey, welcome to my blog” posts either.
first off, let me say, I absolutely HATE writing. I hate everything about it. Not cos I’m not good at it, but because I cannot write fiction. I can only write about things that are real to me. This causes 2 major problems. 1, I’m notoriously private, and the thought of writing & letting strangers get this unrestricted access into my mind… it makes me uneasy. 2, Only being able to write about non-fiction means that I usually have to write about the bad. My fears. My insecurities. My doubts. Or as is often the case, bad memories. That means I have to remember… To re-live it mentally… To recount. And who doesn’t hate that?
so why do I have this blog? it was one of those spur of the moment things. I’ve thought about creating a blog so many times & I discarded the idea in 5 seconds each time. But for some reason today, I decided to do it. Let’s call it growth (or the willingness to grow). I don’t know. But I have a lot to write about, and I figured password protected MS Word documents just weren’t gonna cut it anymore. the irony is, I find it hard to discuss personal stuff if I haven’t written about it yet.
Right now, I am drained. This year has been a roller coaster. This was 2013: The Year of Enlightenment, and as usual, I’m looking at the end of the year kicking myself for not doing more. For not becoming more. I saw some old habits resurrect. Habits I thought I had kicked years ago. Insomnia… Certain addictions… Depression…
Yes, I can finally admit it now. For a few months this year, I was depressed. I battled with that disease for 3 years and I swore I would never go back there again. Yet somehow, it happened.
For a while, I also lost faith. I would get to church & sit in my car in the parking lot until service was over. There was no desire to go in. To worship. To pray. To serve.
there was no desire to do anything. My life seemed empty for a while. I found myself back in that “what’s the point of all this” rut.
I have learned that the monetary value of potential is zero. I have learned that in spite of all God has planned for me, I could go on existing & live a below average life. I have accepted that I was lazy. I was spoiled. And that season is over. There is work to be done.
I had to grow up way too quickly this year, and I wasn’t prepared for it. I wanna do certain parts of it over, but that’s wishful thinking at its finest. This is the last quarter tho. And I’ll be damned if I don’t finish 2013 off the right way. Here’s to the next 4 months. You better be amazing.
Oluwa is involved…