It’s November 4, 2013. It’s 9:27pm as I write this. The first 15 seconds of Wizkid’s “Outro (Love Music)” are on loop. It’s the only song I’ve listened to in the past 2 days. Not because it’s the greatest song ever, it just makes me feel good. My nose is annoyingly stuffy, as it always is. My father’s “gift” to me that just keeps on giving lol. But I digress…
In a few hours, I’m going to turn 23. I never look forward to my birthdays, and as is the norm, I’ve already turned my airplane mode on. As soon as I hit “publish” on this, I’ll turn my phone off proper & [hopefully] go to sleep.
Birthdays usually brought depression. Not because I was ungrateful to be alive, just because it seemed that I never really achieved all I hoped to achieve in each new year. I’d have dreams. And hopes. But not goals. Goals require a plan. And planning has never really been my strong point. Wait, lemme rephrase that. I’m GREAT at planning. Implementing the plan is an entirely different story though. And so my birthday would come along each year and all I could focus on was the things I didn’t do. The things that didn’t go right. The things I shouldn’t have done.
Every year since I turned 18, without fail, I’d look back on my birthday and I’d be unhappy. And for someone who’s usually so extroverted, the fact that I suddenly wanted to be alone on my birthday used to puzzle the life out of my friends. But it’s my day right? If I don’t get to be selfish on my birthday, then what’s the point?
However, this year, that’s not why my phone is going off. I’m not depressed. I’m not exactly overjoyed either, and I certainly won’t be throwing even the most minuscule party. I’m… uneasy.
Yeah. That’s the best way to put it. I’m uneasy. Probably because as with most other things I’ve had to deal with this year, I know deep down in my spirit that certain things have to change immediately. And while I recognize the need for these changes, while I want these changes, I know they will be hard.
Also (and I’m only admitting this on here cos not a lot of people know about this blog), I just can’t resist doing things to annoy people. So the phone HAS TO stay off for a while, just so I can get cussed out by quite a few people when I turn it back on.
I need time alone to reflect. This time, to focus on the positives. I need time alone to quiet myself on the inside, and settle this unrest that’s been there for a while. I need time alone to rest. To think some more. To reflect. To write. To plan. And to pray.
Tonight, I’m going to pray.
I’m going to say a big thank you for this precious gift I’ve been given. I’m going to pray that I learn to become a better person. I’m going to pray that I learn to show love better. I’m going to ask for grace to do more in this next year. I’m going to ask that the fear of failure does not keep me from acting anymore. I’m going to ask that I do what I’m supposed to. I’m going to ask for clarity regarding the next step. I’m also going to ask for clarity in SEVERAL other areas (yes Lord, it’s about time you settled this relationship matter once & for all too lol). Above all though, I’m going to ask for forgiveness for not making the most of this past year. And the wisdom to do whatever is necessary to ensure that I have no reason to pray that prayer by this time next year.
Could I have done more? Yes. Should I have done more? Yes. I should have become more. But at the end of the day, in every way imaginable, I’m in a much much better place right now than I was 365 days ago. Granted I didn’t grow as much as I hoped to, but I grew. I’m older. I’m wiser. I’m stronger. I suppose in the end, that’s all that should matter.
Tomorrow, I’ll re-plan for the next 365 days. Right now, I must pray. Then I must sleep.
I’m 23. I’m alive. I’m thankful.