So I didn’t forget I had a blog…
I’m gonna blame the lack of new posts on two things: Firstly, I found out about this amazing app called Day One which still allowed me the freedom to write whatever thoughts I needed to get out, and not be worried about length, how personal it was, or whether it was something to be shared or not. I still have tons of drafts that predate my discovery of Day One, but they probably may never be published. Right now, it’s just interesting to go back, re-read them, and realize where my head was at, at the time I wrote them. Secondly, there were still things I didn’t want to write about. There are still thoughts I’d rather not confront. Not just yet. So I’ve stayed away for a while.
I haven’t written in a while, so some of this is may seem incoherent and disjointed. Bear with me…
A lot has happened since my last post. For starters, I live in Statesboro, GA now. I finally said goodbye to metro Atlanta and I transferred to Georgia Southern University. It’s been 3 weeks and some change, and so far I have no complaints
(other than the fact that my housemate insists on having a house party literally every. single. night). There are some great people here, the city is small & quiet, and most importantly, I have no family members in a 200 mile radius. As in ZERO. Thank God for small blessings. Lol
Speaking of God, I have been trying to find a new church to join, and right now I am 95% sure about where I’m gonna be. There are one or two things that I am not entirely happy with, but it’s a leap of faith. It’s all part of me learning to trust that he knows best. Not sure how to put this, but regardless of the uneasiness I have about one or two things, when I think about being “planted” there (for the duration of my stay in ‘Boro), I have… peace. We’ll see.
I still worry about the future. I wish I could say I’m at that point where I don’t anymore, but I’d be lying. I worry about the usual suspects: Provision for the immediate future… Direction for the now… What I’m gonna do with my life… Who I’m gonna do it with… If I’m gonna do it right… What if I screw up my future today… What if I don’t raise my daughters right. Basically the same culprits lol. I worry less. At least I think I do. But I don’t know how much more God has to do to me (or for me) to prove that He NEVER EVER FAILS. I should already know it by now.
I’m not the easiest person for another imperfect human to love, and so it makes me chuckle sometimes when I think of how exasperating it must be sometimes for a perfect God to love me. I still screw up. I still make dumb decisions. I still manage money poorly. I still foolishly fight within me about doing what I know I must sometimes. I am as imperfect as it is possible to get. Through it all, Baba has been faithful. Not just in my life, but in the lives of my family and friends too. Sometimes, hearing their good news is enough for me. Not in the “if He did it for them, he can do it for me” way, more in the “I’m glad good things still happen to good people who desperately need it” way. It’s much more humbling when you sit back, count your blessings, and you cannot point to a single one & say “I deserved that.” I certainly cannot and will never think of myself like that. But there are people that make me say “God you know if anyone deserves this, it’s this person. Do it for them please.” And lately, He has done it for a lot of them. I’m thankful.
Still the picture becomes clearer. Scarier. Just when you think the vision cannot possibly get bigger, something else gets added to it that further drums in the “If I have to do this on my own, I will fail woefully” belief. Thankfully, I don’t. I need God’s help. I’ve known that from the beginning, not just regarding the vision, but my life in general. However, as time passes and the image in my heart gets clearer and clearer, I realize more than ever that the right spouse is essential. I would not necessarily over-think that because I believe I have a strong enough foundation regarding relationships, and what to do, what not to do, what to look out for, who to be with, etc. I have read every book, spoken to every successfully married person, etc, but recent events have shed new light on that. How does Paul put it… “let him that thinketh he standeth take heed, lest he fall” or as Eugene Peterson so eloquently translates it “You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence. [emphasis added].” So it seems like I’m re-learning a lot about relationships recently. Not just the boy-girl-love-dating-marriage kind, but relationships in general. I’m re-learning to love. Re-learning why to love… how to love.
I want more. I will always want more. And even though I know it’s not how God works, I want it all now. But I cannot lie.. He has been faithful. Oh and that’s next year’s “theme”: faithfulness. Only this time, I need to prove my faithfulness. I need to show and prove that I can be trusted. But I won’t get into that just yet.
God-confidence. Total, absolute dependence. Accepting that your identity… Your value… Your worth cannot come from you. Lol. I’ll probably write about that next. (Spoiler alert, it’s not the easiest, most natural thing in the world for someone like me whose default setting is a 99% mixture of pride, the desire to be independent and the I-can-do-it-by-myself mentality to do)
Also, I literally just realized my blog is about a year old. Woot woot 🙂
Be good… Later.