Dear God, I’m afraid.
That’s about as honest as I can get right now.
I’m great at masking it. At hiding it from everyone around me, sometimes even from myself. But I’m scared, God. I’m scared of so many things.
I’m scared of things I don’t want to make even more real by writing or talking about. It’s too many what-if’s, and it’s terrifying.
I’m scared of being a failure. I’m scared of being a disappointment. I’m scared of being my own worst enemy, and impeding myself frequently.
I’m scared I’ll keep on letting you down over & over again.
I’m scared you’ll never be able to trust me.
“Perfect love casts out all fear” I know. I know. So obviously this love isn’t perfect yet. Obviously, I have a lot to learn. Obviously.
But right now? I am so afraid.
I bury my head in the sand, hoping if I ignore it long enough, it’ll all go away
I distract myself with plenty other things.
Lol. I even distract myself with church. LOL
But in these moments… When it’s quiet outside and more importantly inside… When I’m alone with my thoughts & nowhere to run, I can admit it fleetingly.
I’m afraid. And the one person I’m scared of letting down the most is the one person that I should be running to.