I write. I really do. Not as often as I should, but way more than any readers of this blog will think.
There’s no theme to this. It’s just some of the things that have been on my mind lately.
* I love my dad like no one else. If I was half the man he is, I would be satisfied. We are alike in many ways… Which is why it baffles me that we disagree on so much. It’s like two north poles being brought together sometimes. He has the best intentions, and so do I. We just disagree… A lot. It doesn’t get angry or even confrontational, it’s just exasperating for both of us for many reasons. But I love that man more than I could ever show him.
* I don’t know how to share my burdens, even with those closest to me. I’m not sure I even want to, but even if I did, I wouldn’t know how. I can blame this on multiple factors; I’m too used to dealing with things by myself so it’s literally become all I know, I’ve always been the friend that was cried to and not the one that did the crying, etc. But honestly, it gets exhausting. O ti su mi.
* More & more, I’ve been thinking about the man I want to be. It bothers me how much I am still unsure of in the short-term.
* I wonder about all the ideas I have. All the good things I want to do. I wonder about my motives. Do I want to be the one that does them so I can get the “credit”, or do I just want to see them done, period? Should I speak about my dreams more?
* A while ago, I realized that every woman I thought I “loved”, I did because of what they could do for me. It was always a case of her not having a flaw I did, and me wanting that to rub off on me/our kids eventually (if I had those visions lol). One time, it was because I knew right down to the very core of my being that whoever she married would be blessed beyond measure, and I wanted that to be me. I never really loved someone because I was willing to give. It wasn’t about them, it was about me. And if I know one thing about love today, it’s that it is absolutely not selfish.
* It’s been over a year since I first decided to write about depression. A little over four months since I actually started to write about it. I’m in no hurry. More than anything, it’s the one “demon” I don’t care to confront just yet. Eventually… Someday… Soon.
* A friend recently asked me the one thing I want more than anything else. The answer remains the same: peace. I just feel like every other thing will fall into place right after.
* Speaking of friends, I was speaking to another friend about her relationship recently, and in response to me jokingly saying “are you in love?” she said “Mehn I don’t know about love. But I’m happy. It’s been almost a year. It’s working.” For some reason, that hit me. “I’m happy. It’s working.” It’s in the simple things.
* If I have learned one thing this year, it’s to pick & choose your battles. Sometimes you have to lose a battle because it’ll help you win the war. Sometimes, you shouldn’t even bother fighting certain battles, as “in-the-right” as you may be.
* 2015 (unlike every other year) didn’t start on a high. Which means it can only get better, right?