A Few Thoughts, Vol. 3

* I hate hindsight. Hate how it makes you feel. Hate everything it represents. You’re supposed to get wiser as you get older, and hindsight has a way of making you feel foolish in the now, not in the past. Plus, who has ever experienced hindsight & patted themselves on the back like “I knew I handled that as well as I could have”? It typically just leaves you kicking yourself, so no thanks.

* It’s easy [for me] to see why I like hotels. The fact that you can come & go as you please and not have to pick up after yourself. The fact that there’s no commitment, and you can leave whenever you want. The fact that it seems like a “getaway” from your normal everyday life/routine.

* I haven’t been “happy” in a long time. Now I realize how controversial that sounds, but it’s true. This doesn’t mean that I walk around all sullen and miserable, or that I don’t laugh or take simple pleasures in various small things. There have probably also been times when I was happy about certain aspects of life, and not others, but overall? I can’t honestly say I’ve been happy in years. Is this a problem? Ehh. I don’t know. I try not to think about it too much.

* I was talking to my dad this week, and I remember saying “You know, I wish you had a normal son that didn’t give you too much stress and wanted the things he was supposed to want, and did the things he was supposed to do.” I was half kidding, but it’s also really true. I wish I was “normal”, not just for my sake, but for my loved ones’ sake as well.

* I can be critical of myself without having a pity party & it confuses people close to me. But to me, it just is what it is. Wish they’d understand that if I say “I don’t like where my life is at”, I’m not suicidal. Or if I say “I don’t think I’m a good person” I’m not fishing for reassurance. I’m just very at peace with confronting realities as I see them.

* Wary of people & sudden attachments with seemingly ulterior motives. Especially when (in my opinion) there’s no prior relationship. Being best friends in elementary school then not speaking again for 15-20 years doesn’t count as a prior relationship. So when those sudden attachments start to form out of nowhere, I find myself inevitably thinking “okay, this is all well and good, but what do you want? Because I know you want something…”

* As far as making mistakes go, I’d rather stop at a green light than go at a red light. There was a whoooooole long train (chain?) of thoughts that led to that conclusion, but I’d rather not get into it. Not just yet.

* Remember the letter to my unborn I wrote a while ago? Well I wrote a part two of sorts on a friend’s blog. Go check it out here. Thanks.

* It’s still too easy to write stuff and decide it’s too personal to share, so these “A Few Thoughts” series is me taking the easy way out. I know that. However, I sense strongly that I will be writing (and sharing) a lot more in these coming weeks.

* Music Recommendation: The Borderland album by John Mark McMillan. Stumbled on this a few months ago, and I listened to Future/Past every day for weeks after. My favorite song though? Heart Runs. Easily. (Eventually discovered he originally wrote the famous How He Loves song that’s been covered by so many different gospel artists. Talk about a pleasant surprise.)

John Mark McMillan - Borderland

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