Feel Alive

After all, “there’s no point in living, if you can’t feel alive.” Isn’t that right Elektra, isn’t that your motto?

– Pierce Brosnan as James Bond
(The World Is Not Enough)

I still remember the day my family got its first VCD player (google that you youngins). We still had our VHS player (again, google that lol), and our CD Player (some three-disc-changing monstrosity with incredible speakers) wasn’t even that old. I think my mom’s brother came back from Alaba market with it, and I remember my first reaction being surprise at how small it was. In my young mind, if a CD player was that big, then a VCD player had to be even bigger. It wasn’t, but at least it also accepted 3 VCD’s at a time, which worked out well for us, since the first film we played on it was The Odyssey. If I remember correctly, the very first VCD’s my family owned were The Lion King, The Odyssey, and… The World Is Not Enough.

If you’ve seen The World Is Not Enough, then you should’ve recognized the quote above. It was one of the standout lines from the film to me, even though I probably didn’t understand a lot of what I was watching and hearing since I couldn’t have been more than 10 or 11 years old at the time. But it stuck with me. And from time to time, when I’m in one of those places mentally, it comes back to me.

There’s no point in living, if you can’t feel alive.

While the girl responsible for the quote in the first place meant something entiiiiirreeelllyyy different, I can empathize with the sentiment that’s gotten from that statement when it’s taken at face value. I understand what it is like to deal with emptiness inside. I understand discontent with life, and all that comes with it. I understand why the thought of living a meaningless life is disheartening.

I haven’t written anything in a long time, because I didn’t have anything “happy” to write about. Actually that’s not true, I have written a lot in these past few weeks, but I don’t like where my mind is at, so it’s all been saved & stashed away.

I’m in a rut. It seems like I take one step forward, and seven steps back. Like as soon as you start to hope, life just comes out of its corner swinging. It seems like there’s an attack on my ability to hope. Even worse, it seems like there’s an attack on my desire to hope. Whenever a friend of mine is down & feels the way I currently feel, I laugh with them. I keep saying “in a few years we’ll look back at those times we wanted to give up, those times we sincerely thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel… and we’ll laugh at how foolish we were.” So it’s ridiculous how much the thought “what if it actually doesn’t get better?” has crossed my mind in these past few weeks.

What’s the point of living if you can’t feel alive? Well… What makes you feel alive? A sense of purpose? The knowing deep inside that you were put on the earth for a unique, special reason? Good. So no matter how downcast you may be, as long as you still believe that, then THAT’S the point of living. And you have to hold on to it & keep living until you start to fulfill that purpose. Until you start to feel alive.

Even on your lowest days, you can’t afford to forget… This is not how the story ends.

It gets better. Hold on. Hope. And pray.

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