Throwback Post: You Win

Monday morning. 1:41am. I can’t sleep, and so I find myself writing another “letter” you will never get to read.

The nerve of you.

It’s been almost 3 days since we last spoke. I still can’t believe it myself. This has to be the stupidest thing ever. But I’m not going to call you. I’m 100% convinced that I’m not calling you. And right now, I’m not sure I’ll even pick up if you call.

The nerve of you.

We used to say we’d never go to sleep mad at each other. And for months we did just that. I hated how frequently it seemed we were arguing & fighting over nothing. It bothered me, but I’d just say we were “working out the kinks” and getting to know each other better, so it wouldn’t always be that way. I hated fighting, but at least we never went to sleep upset. We always managed to talk things out & be at peace with one another before falling asleep, no matter how late it was… Until the first time it happened. Neither of us was willing to put pride aside & call the other, and so we went to sleep & didn’t talk things out until the next day. After that it got easier to go to bed angry & not speaking to each other. And easier. And easier…

…and now it’s been 3 days.

The nerve of you.

As usual, you’re upset over nothing. As usual. I don’t understand it. I’m not the enemy. I’ve never been. And I’ve fought my hardest to show you that. But you’re always so… Hostile. So guarded. So ready for a fight. So ready to walk away.

The nerve of you.

Whatever scars you have… Whatever wounds are still healing… Whatever fears you have… Whatever doubts you still harbor… I get it. But I refuse to be treated like I’m responsible for them any longer. This… This is not how you love someone. This is not how you treat someone you love. And THIS is why I kept telling you I can have no faith in a “love” based on feelings.

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know certain things so I could act a certain way & get away with it. So my spirit wouldn’t be uneasy. Because it sucks more when you do the right thing & it still isn’t enough.

Yeah I think that’s it. Right now, I’m not enough for you. And that is literally the worst realization I could have come to. Because now it means I have to hide from you. I have to.

Because I’ve tried. I have tried. I haven’t given as much as I wanted, because that would only drive you further away. You. Wouldn’t. Even. Let. Me. Give. My. All. But I’ve given. I’ve been “naked.” But it’s not enough. It feels like it’s never going to be enough.

And it’s too early in this relationship for all this stress. There’s no peace anymore.

I laid my pride down for you, and it still wasn’t enough.

I bargained, I cajoled, I joked, I begged, and it still wasn’t enough.

So congratulations. You win.

I refuse to revert to being the asshole that comes so naturally to me. That’s not who I want to be. So I’m left with one option then. I’ll hide from you.

You win.

The nerve of you though…

Jan 26, 2015

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